Sigh of Relief

The last couple of weeks have been hard, I’ve been having a tough time symptom-wise and on top of it I thought I might be losing one of the friends I’d met online.  It was stressful.  Wanting to avoid drama he never talked to me about the issue, so instead I was left wondering for weeks, and he was left with who knows…

Lyme can affect cirulation and respiration, and cause fatigue.  This makes physical activity tedious sometimes.  Despite that I force myself to walk everyday, as a good friend said to me while I was in the midst of a panic attack:  “Healthy body, healthy mind”.  Sometimes the walks suck, but I know that they’re helping regardless, as long as I know what’s pushing it and what’s pushing it too far.

Yesterday two amazing things happened.  Firstly, my friend finally talked to me.  He said he felt better, I know I felt better.  Part of the resolution made me a little sad, mostly because I’m curious about the whatifs, but overall I couldn’t be happier.  I keep smiling about it.  For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m not losing him.  The second thing was that my breathing became a little easier.  It was amazing.

So as a result of those two things I slept amazingly well last night, AND I got in a solid 30 minutes of running today.  I also woke up to a new game gifted to me on Steam, and was gifted a second one only an hour later.  The games were just cherries on the sundae of my day.  The thought behind them is really what floored me.

One of the worst things about have anxiety with lyme is that when I start to feel better I’m exhausted.  Anxiety is absolutely the most tiring thing in the world.  Anyone who disagrees hasn’t had anxiety.  That said, I’d rather be tired than anxious.  🙂

It’s beena  good couple of days, and honestly I really needed it.  Small things have a huge impact on people.  Be it a game, or a comment, or being honest when there’s an issue.  No need for drama, no need to get emotional, just be honest.  What almost served as a reminder to me to keep people away instead became a lesson in keeping them around.

Anyway, I’m getting scrambled. 

Thank you to those who have read and commented.  I do this for me, but you’re a bonus.

There will always be good times.  –Cassie

The No News Update

Still nothing to report.  I haven’t had anything to talk about for months.  I play games, and I talk to people online.  That’s it.  Lyme sucks.  Anyone will tell you that.  But I usually remain optimistic…sometimes it just wears on you.  This is one of those times.  I’m just having a hard week, and most of me knows that, but it’s just wearing on me.

I’m continuously convincing people that I’m not dying, and I know I’m not…but after so many times it seeps into your brain.  I don’t know what to do to get that idea out of my head.  It’s getting to me.  And having no idea what I’m going to do when I’m well enough to leave the house just irritates me.  I’ve never been one to need a crazy specific plan, but I have a strong feeling that as soon as I’m well enough I’ll have to take the first crap retail job I can find just to pay off the last (almost) two years.  That just seems unfair to me.  Part of me knows that life has a way of working things out, even if it’s not what you expect…but I just don’t want to go back to retail.  I don’t want to enter the house a 22 year old and come out a 25 year old who’s farther behind than when she went in.  I don’t mind a lateral move, but it’s the massive steps backwards is pissing me off.

Part of my problem is that I haven’t been sleeping again.  We’ll see how that goes.

So this is why I don’t update.  It’s because I have nothing new and nothing good to say.  On the flip side though there’s always a good side.  I am astonished at the people who I’ve met online.  I haven’t advertised that I’m sick, so it’s even more surprising that these complete strangers have been gifting me games to play.  And I’ve actually made some amazing connections with some people, though it terrifies me to admit that. 

The bottom line is, I can’t wait to get over this rough patch, and I always say it to others, so I’ll say it to myself and to you guys (if anyone reads this)….There will always be good times.  No matter what.

Thanks for reading,  –Cassie

Hello Again

Hey all, it’s me again with another update.  There’s not much more to report from last time.  Still working through being home and dealing with symptoms.

I’ve been putting some work into some projects to motivate myself and distract myself from symptoms.  I’ve been playing games too.  My online friends are still proving to be very helpful, they don’t know how much they help…and I doubt they ever will.  Sometimes this internet thing is a blessing and sometimes it sucks.

I’ve been working on a special game-related project.  It’s just a fun little thing but it’s nice to have a real, non-personal goal.  And there’s no pressure and nobody counting on me so it’s perfect.

I’ll hopefully be able to post more often again.  The less my symptoms are the easier it is, so we’ll see how it goes.

Cheers, I hope you all are well.

–Cassie

Short Update

This is going to be short.  Suffice it to say I’m currently having a tough time, but I’m confident I’m on the right track.

I’ve been playing a lot of games to distract myself, and the guys I play with have been amazing.  The past while has been spent doing a lot of self-reflection too.  Which I haven’t decided yet if that’s healthy or not.

That’s about it.  Literally nothing to report.  Sorry all.  😦  Home ill doesn’t exactly make for exciting stuff.

Reasons for Writing

I hate writing when I’m not feeling well.  I hate it for so many reasons.

For one when I’m not feeling well I don’t have the focus or head to type anything more than “lol”.  For two when I’m not feeling well I’m looking for a distraction, and writing makes me focus on my symptoms.  For three I hate my attitude when I’m not feeling well.  Even when I’m saying it while I’m sick I know that I won’t feel the same way when I feel a little better.

My point is, when my symptoms are particularly bothering me I avoid coming here just to avoid word-vomitting dribble I don’t even believe all over the page. 

You’re welcome.

Happy Birthday Sonic the Hedgehog (for yesterday)

See the attitude? See it?

I know it’s a day late, but I’m not feeling well.  I wasn’t going to post anything at all, but then I realized that this is my blog and I can make this as short and as crappy as I want.

You can go anywhere for his history, or little tidbits about deleted stuff or how it was made.  I seem to remember GamesRadar had some good stuff posted.  So with that in mind, and my going back to bed in mind, I’m just going to talk about him in my personal experience.

I love Sonic.  He’s the first real gaming experience that I remember, and considering I was three when the first game came out I’d say that’s pretty good.  I’m still one of those fans who goes and and excitedly picks up the newest Sonic game, even if it has Big the Cat or Cheese the Rabbit in it.  Sonic’s long and sordid maturation into his current state has done nothing to cause even the slightest hesitation.  And I actually liked some of them and parts of most of them.  I was even one of those people who pre-ordered Sonic Colors (which actually turned out pretty good) and got this awesome hat:

Is this what Kirby feels like?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very aware of what Sonic was and what he has become…and sometimes I weep for him.

But….. 

When I think of that first game, and especially the second one (it being the first game I ever owned myself) and going up though those early days…I can’t think of one thing I hate about them.   I still remember looking on with awe as the vibrant and (dare I say, 3-dimensional) environments whizzed by.  Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was amazed at the physics of the game, taking note of not only the speed (a character that’s faster than the camera?  Sweet!) but of the (frustrating yet amazing) way the angles of the level affected Sonic’s jumps and acceleration rate.  Gravity affected Sonic in a way that I understood, especially in the uniquely challenging and still awesomely fun water levels.  These levels to this day remain a partial exception to my water-level rule.  The music was sophisticated, charming, fun and perfectly representative of each level.  I still play this stuff all the time.

I love the Sonic games so much that I even love the stuff I say I hate.  I love the spinning barrels in Carnival Night Zone (Sonic 3), I love the rising “water” bit in Chemical Plant Zone (Sonic 2), I even like the frustrating repetition in Metropolis Zone (Sonic 2)…I even liked Sonic’s weakness to water.  It made him more believable or something, I don’t know. 

I’m going to finish off my posting some videos, and as usual I recommend you continue exploring on your own.

Check it, with Sonic and Knuckles you could attach the cart to another Sonic cart and play as Knuckles in those games.  Yeah.

I liked it, ok?

And finally, the most terrifying sound ever in video gaming:

I feel wrong just having searched that….

Happy Birthday Sonic, heres to 20 more years of….hopefully not another thousand new friends to slow you down.

The Breakdown

So I had to finally break down and get a new computer.  The other one was just not working at all.

Unfortunately this means I’m in debt.  And what I hate most about being in debt is that it was my choice.  I don’t NEED a new computer, I don’t need this to live.  I hate this now.  I was excited at first, and I still love my computer choice, but now I’ve put myself in debt, all for a round of Left 4 Dead.

The internet still isn’t top notch though, I can’t seem to get online for long enough to do much.  I have so many blogs to catch up on.  😦

I can’t wait to get all of this fixed and get back to working, but I know that’s still a long way off.

Missed you WordPress!

–Cassie

Writings at 3:00 AM

I can’t believe I got online. 

I’m having a hard time tonight, and now I don’t want to get back to sleep.  I didn’t think I would get online, but I guess I’m a little luckier than I thought.

Since we last spoke this is what happened:

1)   The car broke.

2)  The backup car broke.

3)  The water boiler broke.

4)  The dishwasher broke.

5)  The tub faucet broke.

6)  The Nintendo 64 broke.

My poor Dad is going crazy trying to fix everything.  I’m not much help, and I’m starting to think that my helping is just getting in the way.  We’ve almost fixed it all though.  The computers are still not replaced, but I wasn’t expecting them to be.  That’ll probably be awhile.  Even with all of this going on though I’m in good spirits.  That and I’m slowly making progress towards being completely better…so really how can I complain?  Yeah, it’d be nice to have a proper computer, but really what does it matter? 

That’s pretty much all the news.  I hope all of you have been doing well.

In honour of my N64, here’s an old classic:

Cheers!

Oh Dear.

Well, they say when it rains it pours.  I’m not at cats and dogs yet, but it’s getting there.  It’s actually nothing major, I’m just getting bummed with all of this waiting for things to pick up a little.

Both my gaming computer and my laptop are having problems.  The laptop has literally forgotten how to open or run anything and everything and the gaming computer is having so much trouble running the games it was built for it blue screens every time I try to play.

I won’t be replacing them.  Not yet anyway. 

I’ve mentioned a few times that I had an emergency fund set up for…emergencies obviously.  But at 23 it wasn’t very big.  It’s almost out, and I do have enough for a slightly decent computer, but that’s it.  I don’t know how much longer I’ll be sick, so that’s that.  It’s not financially smart to go spending money on wants over needs. 

I also won’t be buying the games on my “Buy New” list.  My current state (anxiety) would make it difficult to play them, so…no L.A. Noire or Duke Nukem.

So anyway, that’s why I haven’t been updating.  Little or no access to the internet most of the time.  Unfortunately that’s not going to change anytime soon.

But it could definitely be worse.  🙂

Cheers!  –Cassie

Star Wars Day

Well today is Star Wars Day!  I’ll be spending my day lightening my mood by watching Star Wars.

I think a good marathon will help me get my mind off of things.  Plus, it’s Star Wars…so….no other explanation needed.

May the Fourth be with you!   –Cassie