Writings at 3:00 AM

Posted in Random Rolls on June 1, 2011 by Cassie

I can’t believe I got online. 

I’m having a hard time tonight, and now I don’t want to get back to sleep.  I didn’t think I would get online, but I guess I’m a little luckier than I thought.

Since we last spoke this is what happened:

1)   The car broke.

2)  The backup car broke.

3)  The water boiler broke.

4)  The dishwasher broke.

5)  The tub faucet broke.

6)  The Nintendo 64 broke.

My poor Dad is going crazy trying to fix everything.  I’m not much help, and I’m starting to think that my helping is just getting in the way.  We’ve almost fixed it all though.  The computers are still not replaced, but I wasn’t expecting them to be.  That’ll probably be awhile.  Even with all of this going on though I’m in good spirits.  That and I’m slowly making progress towards being completely better…so really how can I complain?  Yeah, it’d be nice to have a proper computer, but really what does it matter? 

That’s pretty much all the news.  I hope all of you have been doing well.

In honour of my N64, here’s an old classic:

Cheers!

Oh Dear.

Posted in Random Rolls with tags , , on May 13, 2011 by Cassie

Well, they say when it rains it pours.  I’m not at cats and dogs yet, but it’s getting there.  It’s actually nothing major, I’m just getting bummed with all of this waiting for things to pick up a little.

Both my gaming computer and my laptop are having problems.  The laptop has literally forgotten how to open or run anything and everything and the gaming computer is having so much trouble running the games it was built for it blue screens every time I try to play.

I won’t be replacing them.  Not yet anyway. 

I’ve mentioned a few times that I had an emergency fund set up for…emergencies obviously.  But at 23 it wasn’t very big.  It’s almost out, and I do have enough for a slightly decent computer, but that’s it.  I don’t know how much longer I’ll be sick, so that’s that.  It’s not financially smart to go spending money on wants over needs. 

I also won’t be buying the games on my “Buy New” list.  My current state (anxiety) would make it difficult to play them, so…no L.A. Noire or Duke Nukem.

So anyway, that’s why I haven’t been updating.  Little or no access to the internet most of the time.  Unfortunately that’s not going to change anytime soon.

But it could definitely be worse.  🙂

Cheers!  –Cassie

Star Wars Day

Posted in Random Rolls with tags , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2011 by Cassie

Well today is Star Wars Day!  I’ll be spending my day lightening my mood by watching Star Wars.

I think a good marathon will help me get my mind off of things.  Plus, it’s Star Wars…so….no other explanation needed.

May the Fourth be with you!   –Cassie

And then there were none.

Posted in Random Rolls on May 1, 2011 by Cassie

So I may have just given up my last real-life friendship.  I mean, there’s always a chance that we could patch things up…but I don’t think so.

And don’t get me wrong, I have some friends that I see once a year, but I haven’t included them in that group of “regular” friends.

I’ve begun mourning the friendship but at this point I feel like it was a big step for me.  I’ve always had a problem with being a doormat.  So much so that this friend never even realized that she only comes to me when she’s having a problem.  She never even realize that almost 100% of the compromise in our relationship was on my end. 

That’s me.  Why am I like that?

But that’s the point, I took a step towards being myself today.

Should I be happy?

The Edge

Posted in Random Rolls with tags , , , on April 28, 2011 by Cassie

I have to do something to get me out of this funk.  My anxiety has been so bad that I tingle all over, I can barely type.  I know exactly where it’s coming from, but that doesn’t help.  I’m so completely on edge it hurts.

I tried to be honest with my best friend, one of my face to face ones, and she apparently doesn’t appreciate honesty.  I barely said anything…she called me disgusting and hasn’t spoken to me in a few days.  Knowing that though I still would have been honest with her.  I’ve discovered that I don’t want a dishonest relationship with anyone.  It’s still upsetting though.  Will things work out?  Am I down yet another friend?

I opened up to one of my online friends.  I told him a story that I haven’t even posted here yet.  I’m working on it, I’ll post it soon.  Just the fact that he knows this about me is enough to make me nervous, but now whenever I talk to him I babble like an idiot.  I know why I’m doing it, I do it to distract him from my nervousness, but I can’t seem to stop myself.  I hate that he knows this and I hate that I ramble so much around him now.  I don’t like sharing stuff like that about myself.

On top of all of this anxiety can be a big symptom of Lyme.

I want to find something to take the edge off.  Something to focus my brain on, to try to get this anxiety down to a manageable level.  This was supposed to be it, but I find talking about these issues actually make my anxiety worse.  I still aim to do it, I think it’s good for me…but maybe I shouldn’t focus so much on it. 

I’ve been wracking my brain and I’ve discovered that there’s only one thing that I can talk about for hours at a time, and that’s gaming.  I can say a lot about movies too, but games really get me involved in the conversation.  Apart from that there’s only one thing, one thing that I can talk about that I can write about forever.  Soundtracks.  Soundtracks are the only thing I talk about where I sound like a pretentious douche, and I don’t even care.  I love them.

With that in mind I think I might start writing reviews on soundtracks.  The only decision left to make is if I’ll post it here or find another blog.  I could just create a whole new blog I guess, or I could roll soundtrack discussion into this one.

And the Clock Keeps on Tickin’

Posted in Random Rolls on April 24, 2011 by Cassie

Everyone in my face-to-face life, and by everyone I mean the people who are supposed to be my peers….I don’t mean like my parents and grandparents and aunts and stuff, I mean my friends and siblings…

Everyone in that part of my life puts me last.  I don’t expect to be put first, but I would hope that when we make plans the other party will show up.

My sister is constantly saying she’d like to watch a movie with me, so I get ready and head to the living room and then I wait.  I wait and wait, and then she either leaves to go out somewhere or I go to bed.

My brother is even worse.  He gets home and says “yeah, maybe we’ll do something later” then goes to his room and hangs out by himself for the day.  If I’m lucky he’ll ask me to watch him play a video game.  Even if it’s two player I usually end up watching.  Like a fool I always go back.  I sit there on his floor and watch him play a game I’m not interested in, and all so I can get some quality time in with my kid brother. 

My best friend is constantly making plans with me.  I mean constantly.  Almost every weekend since I’ve been sick she’s told me she’s coming over to visit me.  I first got sick 31 (yes, that’s thirty-one) weekends ago and guess how many times I’ve seen her.  Go ahead.

Once, and that was so she could sleep at my place because she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend.  And that was in July, when I first got sick and the remedies hadn’t started lessening my symptoms yet.  She slept in my bed.  If I were to count up the number of times she came over to visit because I’m sick and not so she can deal with her own high school issues the answer would be zero.

Of my other two (yes, I have three people who I would consider friends) one is currently in Australia and the other is currently trying to find a job.  I’m in almost constant contact with my friend in Australia, and the other who is trying to find a job after just graduating university has been to visit a few times.

The problem is that I’m terrified to stand up for myself.  I work at these friendships and giving them up makes me feel one of two things:  1) that I failed as a friend to them (stupid I know) or 2) that I’ll become one of those friendless losers who spend all of their time in a dark room hunched over a computer monitor.

It’s hard for someone like me to meet new people.  I live in a society whose only extra-curricular activity when you’re not either in high school or a retiree is going clubbing…and I hate clubs.  As a result all of the people I talk to face to face are double my age.  They’re all great, but they’re not in the same place as I am…and the funny thing is that I’m fairly low maintenance, I have a thousand interests and I haven’t found a topic of conversation yet that I’m not interested in, and yet I feel like I’m miles away from my peer group.  At 23 I have no stories of wild parties or crazy shenanigans…and while I’m fully ok with this it seems to alienate others my age.

I’ve made some real connections with people online, but I can’t rely on them to be my only friends.  Online friends can’t come over for dinner or go out to a movie or go bowling or go downtown with you on that once a year trip you take downtown to see if it’s really as awful as you remember…

The bottom line is, I’m sick of waiting…yet scared to move forward.

Just a warning, I may be exploring this further.

Oooh I’ll get by…

Posted in Gaming, Random Rolls with tags , , , , , , on April 22, 2011 by Cassie

I’ve had a hard few months.  Lyme disease isn’t exactly fun stuff, but what can you do?  It’s not going to last forever so I’m just going to take it for now. 

There are days when I can’t get out of bed.  I literally lie there pressing play on the same movie over and over.  But I’m not here to dwell on symptoms, I’m here to dwell on the support system which has shown itself since this happened.

I’ve had relatives all over the place offering help, visiting and sending cards and little gifts.  My room is filled with small objects given to me by people who want me to know they’re there for me.  I cherish every single one.  It’s amazing to know how many of my relatives have gone through things with similar symptoms and similar consequences. 

I’ve heard from only two “real-world” friends, but not very often.  I’m not upset about it, life happens and people move on.  They’ve been supportive when we’ve spoken though.  And once I can leave the house they’ll be there.

The real surprise has been my online friends.  They’re always there.  I have four friends on Steam who have been absolutely amazing, and one more Steam friend who has been great too.  Just to clarify, I separated them because the group is of five of us and the other doesn’t know the other four.  I had two of these five people give me new games, both because I’m down to my last chunk of emergency fund and also because they thought I would enjoy them. 

These five people have been exactly what I need.  They’re like a drop of normalcy when most of my days are not.  They’re concerned, but won’t pry if I ask them not to.  They’re patient and kind, and a little inappropriate when it means a laugh.  They don’t make a big deal of the fact that I’m a chick playing Left 4 Dead, which you’d be surprised how many people do.  One of them is even waiting for me to finish single player Portal 2 so that we can both discover the Co op together.

So all in all this experience of being ill has sucked, but it’s been one of the most valuable experiences of my life.  It’s been amazing to see the friendships I’ve found, and I couldn’t feel luckier to have them.  So I guess I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.  (Cheezy ending, had to be done.  Sorry!)

Cheers!  –Cassie