And the Clock Keeps on Tickin’

Everyone in my face-to-face life, and by everyone I mean the people who are supposed to be my peers….I don’t mean like my parents and grandparents and aunts and stuff, I mean my friends and siblings…

Everyone in that part of my life puts me last.  I don’t expect to be put first, but I would hope that when we make plans the other party will show up.

My sister is constantly saying she’d like to watch a movie with me, so I get ready and head to the living room and then I wait.  I wait and wait, and then she either leaves to go out somewhere or I go to bed.

My brother is even worse.  He gets home and says “yeah, maybe we’ll do something later” then goes to his room and hangs out by himself for the day.  If I’m lucky he’ll ask me to watch him play a video game.  Even if it’s two player I usually end up watching.  Like a fool I always go back.  I sit there on his floor and watch him play a game I’m not interested in, and all so I can get some quality time in with my kid brother. 

My best friend is constantly making plans with me.  I mean constantly.  Almost every weekend since I’ve been sick she’s told me she’s coming over to visit me.  I first got sick 31 (yes, that’s thirty-one) weekends ago and guess how many times I’ve seen her.  Go ahead.

Once, and that was so she could sleep at my place because she was thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend.  And that was in July, when I first got sick and the remedies hadn’t started lessening my symptoms yet.  She slept in my bed.  If I were to count up the number of times she came over to visit because I’m sick and not so she can deal with her own high school issues the answer would be zero.

Of my other two (yes, I have three people who I would consider friends) one is currently in Australia and the other is currently trying to find a job.  I’m in almost constant contact with my friend in Australia, and the other who is trying to find a job after just graduating university has been to visit a few times.

The problem is that I’m terrified to stand up for myself.  I work at these friendships and giving them up makes me feel one of two things:  1) that I failed as a friend to them (stupid I know) or 2) that I’ll become one of those friendless losers who spend all of their time in a dark room hunched over a computer monitor.

It’s hard for someone like me to meet new people.  I live in a society whose only extra-curricular activity when you’re not either in high school or a retiree is going clubbing…and I hate clubs.  As a result all of the people I talk to face to face are double my age.  They’re all great, but they’re not in the same place as I am…and the funny thing is that I’m fairly low maintenance, I have a thousand interests and I haven’t found a topic of conversation yet that I’m not interested in, and yet I feel like I’m miles away from my peer group.  At 23 I have no stories of wild parties or crazy shenanigans…and while I’m fully ok with this it seems to alienate others my age.

I’ve made some real connections with people online, but I can’t rely on them to be my only friends.  Online friends can’t come over for dinner or go out to a movie or go bowling or go downtown with you on that once a year trip you take downtown to see if it’s really as awful as you remember…

The bottom line is, I’m sick of waiting…yet scared to move forward.

Just a warning, I may be exploring this further.

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One Response to “And the Clock Keeps on Tickin’”

  1. Cassie,

    When I was 23 (and it’s been a while), I remember feeling rather lonely at times. Occasionally, I felt completely alienated. It wasn’t the easiest time in my life, but I got through it.

    Maybe you need to take steps. Perhaps you should tell your friends what you’re feeling. Otherwise, how will things ever change?

    Basically, it’s up to you. You can keep on going with things the way they are or you can take steps to effect change.

    I know you feel scared (maybe, powerless?), but you aren’t. Really! You can do this. I know it. 🙂

    People used to tell me I’d never get anywhere if I self-published my fiction. Well … I rest my case. 🙂

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